During the last couple of weeks of school, my anxiety was running high and thinking about coming up to the end of the year, having to pack all my things, having to go back to California, coming to the realization that I was actually going to finish my first year of college weren’t helping.
I won’t lie, it was incredibly difficult for me to do simple things without feeling sad or anxious about coming to this end. The only thing I kept thinking about as all my friends talked about not being able to wait for the end of the year and going back home, my mind was on talking to someone about my conflicting sadness and crippling anxiety, not just anyone, but this one particular person who I’d been missing terribly. I’ve mentioned this person before, they were my best friend at one point in my life. I can’t recall how many times I’d picked up the phone and remembered to put it down because it would only hurt us in the end. I don’t remember how many times we’d told each other, and others for that matter, that “it would be the last time we’d talk” and somehow we’d always find each other. It didn’t matter how many times we moved, changed our number, or left each other.
Until I had had enough silence from him and I was tired of ignoring the fact that I really needed him, I sought his help with dealing with how I was feeling. The next time a random number rang and I battled with myself not to pick it up, the call went to voicemail, but still I decided to call back. In the end, I realized that what I needed was not his help or a conversation, but I needed him to really understand that for my mental health and his, the only way we could ever truly be happy was if we really ended our friendship.
Throughout my year away, I realized what it was like to feel the sun peeking out through the rain clouds and I remembered how much I missed that feeling. I also realized that the only way I could feel happy is if I let go of all the things that were holding me captive in my sadness. By moving away, I was able to unchain myself from most of the things that were holding me down. During the long periods of my old friends’ absence, I started to feel a little less sad and started to feel like I knew the answer to one of my main problems. It was him. Thinking of him and longing for his presence was only keeping me in my past and in order to move forward, I had to let him go. “For real this time”.
I’ve said this more than once or twice before… and to several people. However, when he called me two weeks before the end of school, I answered. We talked for about an hour which was mostly me catching him up on how much I had missed him and what was going on in my life and before I got to ask him about his, I was caught by a friend who I told should take my phone if she ever caught me speaking to him.
The following days after that, we had called each other several times, I explained to him that I had to let him go in order for me to look after myself, for once… It wasn’t until then that I realized that our friendship would never work and I was hurt for not seeing that it was never going to last. He loved me so much that it hurt him to see me or hear from me, knowing that I left the city without telling him. I didn’t realize that he resented me for not loving him the way he wanted me to. I always knew it hurt him, but it wasn’t until just recently that I understood when he told me he “hated me” it wasn’t a joke, but instead it was him hating the fact that he loved me enough to want me to be happy, but happy with him. It wasn’t until the very last time I talked to him that I realized that when he told me he wanted me to be happy and that “I had to do what I had to do”, it nearly tore him when I said, “I am. I have to leave you in order to truly be happy because thinking of you only makes me sad”. He resented me for finally growing up and finally realizing he was no good for me, nor I for him and letting go of one of the major things that were holding me back.
F. If ever you come across this though I doubt you ever will, I love you. I love you for being there when I needed you the most, for sharing 5 years with me, confiding in me and letting me do the same with you. I also hate you. I hate you for making me feel like shit when I told you that you weren’t letting me do what was best for me because what YOU thought was best for me, was you… and I hate you for thinking that I could ever love you romantically and that I’d never find someone better than you. You’ve got some nerve. I guess you didn’t know me at all… just you watch, I’m gonna find someone a million times better and he will make me forget that I ever even knew your name.