Broken hearted

I miss him. I try to get over him… it…

the entire situation but… How?

How do you just let go of someone

who has helped you for so long?

who has helped you through so much?

I mis him. I DON’T want to

but I do. I want to be wrong

enough

be tough enough to let go

& not care

but I care.

 

It all seems too soon

its only been 3 months… maybe

I don’t know how to be alone

to grow alone

to live alone

without someone to hold me up when

I’ve been crawling for so long

I have to learn how to stand up

on my own

 

This is like everything I ever wanted.

too kind, too caring, too forgiving

too good

How do I tell myself that I deserve this?

I don’t.

I don’t deserve you.

I think I want to learn how to

be happy.

I think.

How and why…

 

I just can’t explain that

right now

I’m too much

I am learning

and as much as I would live to let

you help me

I can’t do that to you.

I have to do this on my own

 

I still think of him.

 

I HATE HIM.

 

I hate that he still has control over

my thoughts

because he fills them

most days,

he said

“You’ll never find someone better than

me.”

I didn’t believe him.

I don’t want to

how is he wrong though?

if every time I’m having fun with you,

I want to be hanging with him?

but not in any way other than

simply hanging out

when we talk or spend time

laughing or joking

I think of him.

 

I never loved him the way he

wanted me to.

 

I never will.

 

So if he’s correct

and I wont find anyone better than

him.

then what or where does that

leave me?

 

is being with you

a hopeless idea?

 

will I always think of him

and what he said?

 

will I always be looking for someone

else in all these people?

 

because I will

never

go back to him.

 

and if I never go back

 

will I never find what I’m looking for?

whatever that is.

 

I like you.

& I want this to work.

but I don’t think it will

because

I’m not ready for this to work

 

I am ready

to move on from

him.

I am ready

to move on

but I

am not

ready

to move on

from my old self

 

No matter how much

pain

I caused myself

she is all

I ever knew

all I’ve ever known

but now I’m growing

and I’m beginning to move on

but

I’m not ready to put her behind

me because I’m scared.

 

scared of whats to come and

what that means

 

and I am scared of this.

 

I’m scared of the future

because for a really long time

I didn’t believe I’d have one.

I’m scared of commitment

because you then you aren’t just dating with yourself

now you’re bringing in another person

 

I could & would never want to burden

you with the struggle of moving

past my struggles

 

It’s a lot of work

I know it is and I am beginning to

understand and in order to move

on I have things I have to do

difficult things

 

adding you to that equation doesn’t

seem fair

to you or

to me

 

this

is why I’m conflicted

this

is why it’s so hard to give you an

answer

 

I try to be vague

because I don’t want to give myself

away

but it makes talking to you

all the more difficult

then it confuses

you.

 

this is the last thing I want

 

but it happened anyway

 

that seems to be a trend in

my life

I should have let you go a long

time ago

I should have been cold

and let you walk out the door

because then

maybe

it wouldn’t be this hard

 

but I was selfish

I wanted to see if this could

work

I wanted to hold on to you a

little longer

but this way

I only end up hurting you in the end

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Going Again

I’m on my way home again. When I say home, I mean my home back in Washington. I got the job I’ve been wanting, I got an amazing view in my single room, and so far it’s going great. I have a feeling it’s going to be an amazing year and I am so excited to see where this new feeling takes me because I’m feeling some type of way.

I had been waiting for so long to come back and I’m finally glad to get away California, even if there are some people I would have liked to connected with, leaving was the best thing I’ve ever done.

Phone Tag

Days turn to weeks.

Weeks turn to months.

Eventually, months will turn to years.

Eventually,

I will stop feeling the need to

call you,

to tell you how my life is going,

to tell you about all my highs

and all my lows,

to hear your voice.

Eventually,

you’ll get tired of calling me because no one picks up.

Eventually, I’ll get over wanting to dial your number,

letting it ring three times before hanging up, just to let you know I’m still alive.

Eventually,

when you realize you’ve forgotten the sound of my voice,

Eventually,

you’ll realize you don’t care.

I don’t know when this game of phone tag will end.

it isn’t like we don’t have ANY other form of secret communication…

Eventually,

when the months

do

turn to years.

One day I won’t have to wonder.

Take 1… Action!

my father says

“well why’d she do that?”

referring to the mother of a 10 year old girl in a movie

I’m watching who appears to have

killed herself, lying in the bath tub

I do my best to stay focused on the glowing screen of the T.V.

trying to distract myself from the following words…

“Because… they’re mentally… whatever… ill”

my mom says.

so casually

slicing open the watermelon on the kitchen counter

“because they’re stupid… cray cray”

says my sister, sprawled out on the couch

trying to make what is an awkward conversation

seem like just another

joke

that’ll soon pass, unnoticed

I sit, transfixed, my eyes on the T.V

trying extremely hard to focus on the little girls father asking her why she drowned the cat.

“yea… or because their cray cray” I hear my mother say

somewhere in the distance

yet

all I can focus on is how my father turns

and stares at me.

as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious.

as if by looking at me he’d find an answer to a question that hung at the tip of his tongue

or maybe the question he buried in the back of the medicine cabinet

like a pill he only seemed to realize was there

when the situation called for it

I kinda want to say

“what? cat got your tongue?” but my mouth failed me

just like my father’s did his

because

he turns away.

“no”

seemingly unconvinced

I wonder if he was talking about the thought of his little girl having a mental illness or if these things were the right answers at all

When I Lay Me Down to Sleep

For the past couple of months, I have been having trouble sleeping. By this I mean, I lay in bed for who knows how long and can’t get to sleep, when I finally do get to sleep I always seem to wake up in the middle of the night for random reasons and the cycle continues. On the occasion that I do go to bed fine or maybe I’ve been doing something distracting so by the time that I do get to sleep I’m super tired, I’ve been having these dreams and they tend to be about the same topic. A “friend who’s not my friend” or “somebody that I used to know”.

In these dreams (or maybe they might be considered nightmares), I feel this unbearable pain. In a few of the dreams, I remember having conversations with friends and they seem to be talking about this particular person and it seems to be the reason I’m crying. Sometimes, I am confronting this person and telling them everything that I’d been meaning to and there’s always this uncontrollable set of tears that are endlessly streaming down my face, however, now in my real life, we are strangers. Some nights, when I have these dreams I seem to be in between awake and asleep and I can feel myself stirring and crying, but I’m so enthralled in the dream that I will myself to stay in the dream for as long as possible, until I finally sit up, fully awake, having to dry my tears.

Last night I had one of these dreams, in between awake and asleep, except this time I wasn’t talking to them and I never saw their face. Instead, I was sitting at a table, in a white room, with people I apparently knew and was balling my eyes out. I felt like I just had a great loss and it hurts so bad my entire body ached with sadness. It seemed to me that everyone else at the table was sad but for their own reasons and when they asked why I had been crying uncontrollably, they didn’t know and I was too sad to even speak. It felt like I had been crying for hours until somebody mentioned that maybe it was because of this one person and that’s when I stopped crying, shook my head, laughed a little and kinda started to feel a little better. Just when I tried to raise my head, the pain shot through my body and I just… kept… crying. I kept at it, even though I knew in my soul it had nothing to do with this person, but even I still couldn’t figure out the reason behind my sobbing. This continued until I had been shaking so bad I fell off my chair and landed on the floor and that’s when the table disappeared. The tables, the chairs, the people with undistinguishable or recognizable faces had vanished and there I lay still, wet-faced, alone, in a ball in the middle of a white room.

Then, I woke up having to wipe the tears from my eyes.

More Content Please!!!

As many of my followers know, this site is not only a place where I share my thoughts through blog posts but also through poetry. So, I want to ask the audience who their favorite poet are and if there are some poems they would like to share with me. I always love finding and reading new stuff so please I need to make a long, long reading list. So, feel free to send me some of your stuff, other poems you might’ve found online, or comment down below; really, I would love to read or listen!

You’re the Reason Why…

I’ve been putting off writing this for a while, mostly because I’m still conflicted with the way telling this story makes me feel. For once it isn’t about a friend who claims unconditional love but in fact, someone who I thought their title’s definition meant loving you no matter what. They were meant to love you, broken or whole, hurt or healthy, and if you did end up breaking they were supposed to help you heal. I’ve never written about them, poem or other, because it always seemed wrong to do so. It felt like if I wrote these things down for some reason the feeling would seem more real and there wouldn’t be any way to take them back or change them.

Mother.

Another reason I feel like I’ve been so hurt and can’t let go of my sadness. I finally realized that it was you. The entire time, it was you.

I was hurting for so long and even after we talked about the self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and feelings of madness, I think you thought it would all just go away. However, even then I still felt some type of way towards you. Whenever I spoke about you, it still felt wrong to be able to tell people of the “wonderful” childhood I had, but I couldn’t quite honestly say that I hated you. Except now that I was moving forward from the feelings of loneliness, sadness and hatred with myself, that I began to see I couldn’t do it just yet because I would soon be going back to the house I grew up in and have to “deal” with living with you two for the summer. There was something about this idea that made me feel really sick. I realized then that I couldn’t really move on by just letting go of a friend, but I also had to deal with the one person I hadn’t really yet forgiven… you.

You knew. You knew I was in pain at such a young age. You knew that I had these thoughts and not just once had you sat me down and (as much as I hated it then) talked to me about why my feelings were invalid. You thought that it was “just a phase” or that I “was being influenced” but really I was trying to make sense of it all. You found out I was in pain and instead of helping me, you pushed it aside and pretended that I was okay. You told me that if I contacted someone for help (which wasn’t what I wanted then) that it would affect my future and it would go “on my record”. These words terrified me. Then I got older and believed the lies you fed me and when yet again I was feeling distressed, who was I to turn to? The one who kept saying that she loved me and was there when I needed her but pushed my feelings to the side, acting as if they weren’t real? I trudged on and had to grow up this way. Then when I finally found out it was all a lie, I was shocked. You know, some people don’t have those people they can talk to, they don’t have someone they can turn to, they have no one, but I had you. But I didn’t really have you, did I. You had the opportunity to help me and you turned me aside and deep, deep down I could never forgive you for this. For seven years I was in pain and the last 3 of them I had wanted it all to end so badly that I almost entrusted you with my feelings again, but I didn’t want to be rejected the care I needed so I hid it. Until just recently, when it was time to go “home”, I realized that I could have felt better about a lot of things much, much, MUCH sooner. You’re the reason why I continued to hurt. You’re the reason why I still feel hurt about the way things went growing up. I was supposed to grow up and feel loved,  wanted and cared for, and although I can’t put the blame on just one person for the way I felt, I know I could have felt better. Yet you were the reason why it wasn’t so.

A prayer/ A spell

I am feeling better, so I say good morning and mean it. That’s a big deal.

Yes, today is a good morning to exhale, to feel joy with the release of a breath I no longer need to be holding.

I am NOT alone because I feel alone.

I am NOT alone because I feel alone.

I am NOT alone because I feel alone with company.

When I look in the mirror, I will find a reflection of the gifts I am withholding from myself.

Light hits everything at a different angle. I will make a habit of tilting my head.

When the sadness water falls, I will let the salt cleanse the wounds I cannot see. I will let dance parties, be the hospital’s I heal in.

If I need more help, I will let the people offering help me.

If I need more help, I will let the medication help me.

I forgive my body for being a machine after all.

I forgive my memory for being the cupboard door that will continue to pop ajar no matter how many times I push it shut.

I forgive myself even if I am the last person I want to forgive.

Wherever I have come from, wherever I am going, I will remember the present as the only place to start.

Today is a good day to wake up and be great and have gratitude for the restless pump of a heart, for the way it does not know how to hold back.

I will exhale and I will begin to do the same.

-Sabrina Benaim

bitches broken hearts

You can pretend you don’t miss me
You can pretend you don’t care
All you wanna do is kiss me
Oh, what a shame, I’m not there

You can pretend you don’t miss me
You can pretend you don’t care
All you wanna do is kiss me
Oh, what a shame, I’m not there

What is it you want?
You can lie, but I know that you’re not fine
Every time you talk
You talk ’bout me, but you swear I’m not on your mind

You can pretend you don’t miss me
You can pretend you don’t care
All you wanna do is kiss me
Oh, what a shame, I’m not there

Everybody knows
You and I are suicidal stolen art
Pretty mama sews
Stitches into all your bitches broken hearts

You can pretend you don’t miss me
You can pretend you don’t care
All you wanna do is kiss me
Oh, what a shame, I’m not there

Somebody new
Is gonna comfort you like you want me to
Somebody new
Is gonna comfort me like you never do

Every now and then, it hits me
That I’m the one that got away
But I guess being lonely fits me
And you were made for begging, “Stay”

-Billie Eilish

Doves Do Speak

Did you hear it?

I said

I love you

except I didn’t say it

did I?

and that’s what makes you

ache

a slow burning

fire on the inside,

makes you long for

picking flowers in

the dawn of spring

I said it

with

every

breath in and out

of my body

I said it

with every

stroll down the pavement,

the twinkling disarray of street lamps in june

the crowded places filled of people, and food, and too much laughter

I said it with everyday

spent hanging out on the back of old broken down golf carts talking about

nothing and everything

I said it

with every glimpse up from the blank computer screen,

waiting to catch your smile,

I said it

almost every late night while I laid in bed

tired, and the only thing keeping me aglow was the anticipation of the syllables we didn’t

dare to speak out loud

I say it

with every time I pick up the phone

and remind myself to put it down

because I know

you’re better off without me

I say it

with every word written,

scratched out

inside the poems I think

I can secretly

hide you behind

I say it

with every tick on the clock

of the seconds

passing by

that used to be moments

we so often

put in the back of our pockets

as if we could save them for later

I say it

every time I have a single thought

of you

a small glimpse of an unfolded memory,

a watercolored daydream, too washed out to piece together,

some form of sick, twisted nightmare

every time that thought escapes me and is uttered into words

I catch the air and learn how to swallow swords.

I guess I forgot how when I talked, you were always too busy saying something else

you say,

like a magician awaiting the last act where the doves are finally set free,

that only the magic words

will open the locked cage to your heart

and rid me of the chains that are keeping me underwater

Well? Did you hear it?