Procrastinate

procrastination.

procrastinator

late.

always

never on time; too late to jump the gun

wait until this show is over

wait until I’ve had something to eat

me?

never

me, has to finish something, anything

before I can move onto something else

& never an ice cream on the porch on a sunny day

until I can put the folder of unfinished homework

away

too much anxiety is what procrastinators give me

too much nagging is what they get in return

how could you live on the edge like that

i say

i guess I’m too afraid of living in a state where if you tipped the axis in the slightest

I’d fall

fall

fall

down

so what I mean to say is I

take comfort in safety nets

and extra time

weekends seem longer when I’m

sitting on the couch

watching shameless

why?

well, I have so much time

 

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At the End Again

I’ve got 1 and a half weeks left of the semester and then I am finished with another year of school! I can’t believe I made it another year, honestly. There were times when it was a little too rough and too close for comfort but now that summer is here, I can take a break.

I get to live my wonderful life amongst the evergreens and continue doing what I love with a job that I love and that is enough for now.

I will not let anyone stop me from having an amazing summer. But I hope that he does too.

 

He can do it without me.

The phone keeps ringing

I will not answer.

Despite however many times I wake up crying because he’s not there. Despite however many times he wakes me up at 2 a.m., jolting me from my sleep, terrified. Despite the countless times I feel a pain, a hint of sadness, in his absence. These things do not remind me how much I love him, how much I miss him. They remind me how much I know he should stay gone. I do not know how long I will be afraid to hear my phone ring, but…

I will not answer.

Rainy Day

It’s raining and I can’t help but always feel excited when it rains. They always seem to be the best days.

I get so excited, I can’t help but want to tell you about it. I want to call, but know it’s best if I don’t.

I want to call, but then I think about the reality of what will happen if I do.

I can’t deny that I miss you. After crying about it for the past few days, I think it’s safe to say I am not over you, yet. But, it’ll just take some more time. I don’t know what to say or who to talk to because I feel the raincloud in my head get heavy with water and it wants to have some relief, but nothing happens. The only person I can think about talking to is you… about you… and how is that ever going to work?

We never do.

Lonely

“I am not alone because I feel alone.

I am not alone because I feel alone.

I am not alone because I feel alone

with company”

If you haven’t already figured it out, I’ve been feeling lonely lately and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’ve been so anxious lately and I don’t want to bug anyone, but I feel uncomfortable alone. I just want someone to hold me and comfort me without asking questions or worrying about me. I just want someone to be there. I just don’t want to have to deal with the pity and this is giving more trouble than I need. I don’t want to be the manic pixie dream girl to other people’s stories and I don’t want to be the fault of someone’s broken heart.

I just want to feel something

real.

Breathe

Last week was really long. This week wasn’t any shorter.

I am still struggling. I am not afraid of admitting this.

I miss him. Sometimes. When it feels like things are crashing and falling apart and I need someone to talk to, I cant pretend that I don’t think of him. Except, this time I know better and I know that it is best for both of us not to talk, no matter how much I want to.

I am so angry and tired of being so frustrated with myself, and him and everyone else who continues to ignite a fire of fury inside of me, and I am, still, also very angry with my body who refuses to take care of me back and it feels like I have lost.

Yet, I still breathe.

Blue Ruin

This week has been SOOO stressful. I’ve had so much homework to get done, on top of 3 exams I have to study for and scholarship letters to write and then there’s legal issues that I now have to work out.

Let’s just say this week has been literal hell.

Then I had to give the answer as to whether I wanted to stay over the summer for a job I applied to. So, now I’m torn between staying in Washington or heading to California and let’s just say there’s no way I’m gonna stay in California for 3 months…

There has been so much to consider and so many things to do and I can’t take it.

I’ve been going back to my old ways and purposely hurting myself and fucking up my life… what can I say? I guess I’m a masochist.

Friendships and Honesty

This past week I have been in a constant state of confusion, anger, and hate. On top of the personal issues I have been dealing with… again… on body image and disordered eating, I have also been handed the “test your friendship card”. I am typically not one to think too hard about others actions, as this is one of my defense mechanisms. Don’t care too much or be too emotional about anything or you’ll get hurt. However, it seems like because of my lack of emotions, in order to balance myself out, I surround myself with emotional people.

The reason I am so furious with a friend is because she has a tendency of not being honest. It isn’t that she’s a liar, in fact she’s anything but. She occasionally is too honest and she doesn’t even realize that sometimes the things she says are brutal. I digress, but this week she has consistently refused to tell me some big information. It also frustrates me because she is more willing to tell everyone other than me. I find this odd because what she has to tell me isn’t scandalous. It isn’t a big deal, but she can’t bring herself to tell me because she feels guilty that she’ll hurt my feelings, knowing full well, I don’t have any…

This is what bugs me. She is leaving me lonely. This doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is the fact that of ALL people in the world she could tell something like this to, who wouldn’t even think twice about it, she refuses to tell. She can’t look me in the eye and be honest, when I KNOW full well she’s told everyone else.

I wish you could be honest with me.