In My Dreams

The bright lights in the football field of our old highs school bring a familiar sight. Back then, I spent most of my nights practicing under them and you spent most of yours chain smoking in the back of an unnamed art classroom. That’s just the type of person you were. Couldn’t give two shits about the rules, yet you’d bend over backwards trying to please an innocent girl like me. I guess I never really understood why we became friends. We came from separate worlds, but I was always naive enough to think that the farther apart we were in social status, the closer it made us seem on the inside. I really believed it. I thought there could never be anyone else in this world that would know me better than you. I always thought I’d never know how to survive without you.

So, when my dreams take me to any place that is filled with the memory of you, I stay. Although it hurts so much to realize it isn’t real and wake in a puddle of my own tears when I do, I always try and get back to you. Because your absence brings me sadness, although even your presence did too. Yet, when your new girl seems to be looking in my direction, she waves and points towards a huddle of people in the middle of the field, as if to say, “Come, he’s in here.” Confused, I hesitate to move and wonder if I should walk away. I am afraid to know if I will ever see you again. But, I miss you dearly, so I stay. I stay because at least I can see you in my dreams.

Hands

Hands

intoxication moved you to the rhythm

my steps in tow

fingers entangled

as we danced

slow

colors moved in waves

cascading

over my skin

lighting images

behind my eyelids

arms outstretched above me

your warmth surrounding

lungs exhaling into me

while the world

tipped

sideways

hand gripping shoulder

shivers down spines

fear coursing through veins

full blown panic

rage with no escape

colors fade into black

like walking into darkness

with no sound

to move your feet to

stuck in place

or

trapped in my head

but body shaking

clawing for release

escaping memories

i always try so hard to forget

Lonely Part 2

It has been almost exactly a year since I’ve published anything on here. Honestly, I have written but never have the courage to press publish, which is crazy since here is where I get the chance to jot down my thoughts. Sometimes I get a feeling that he’ll stumble upon here and read all my thoughts but honestly who cares?

I found that every April seems to bring my raincloud and thoughts of loneliness. I found it funny as I was reading some of my old posts and the last time I was lonely, I wanted to talk to… him. I felt like the only one I needed and the only one who would understand was him.

Yet its been about 6 months since the last time I’ve actually talked to him. We were in a one sided fighting match. I yelled, mostly. This has probably been the longest we’ve gone without talking. He’s probably preoccupied, trying to live his life. I don’t blame him.

I’ve tried too.

But, Bird, I miss you. I am so lonely. Yes, I have a lover, but as we will see later in a poem I am currently writing, I still cry for you even with my lover by my side. He can’t fix the hurt that is in my heart. Bird, I love you. I miss you. I need you. Please come back.

What once was…

May 8, 2019

Today I am sitting by the kitchen counter, eating breakfast and watching a movie. Then the doorbell rings. I think it’s someone who’s coming to see the house because we’re selling our childhood home. Instead when I open the door to tell them to make an appointment, it’s someone who really impacted my life in a way they don’t even know. It was someone who reminds me of one of the worst times in my life and as soon as my eyes laid upon them, my heart hurt and I was in shock.

I hope this person doesn’t recognize me, but what will I say in the moment they do?

Then I am heartbroken when it seems like there is no sudden realization or recognition like there was for me. I am hurt because it seems like the person standing in front of me was part of the reason my world began to burn down and to them it wasn’t even worth a time slot in their memory.

I thought how ironic that now they want to live in my childhood home, but I wont let them come in and now it’s me who has to turn them away.

 

Procrastinate

procrastination.

procrastinator

late.

always

never on time; too late to jump the gun

wait until this show is over

wait until I’ve had something to eat

me?

never

me, has to finish something, anything

before I can move onto something else

& never an ice cream on the porch on a sunny day

until I can put the folder of unfinished homework

away

too much anxiety is what procrastinators give me

too much nagging is what they get in return

how could you live on the edge like that

i say

i guess I’m too afraid of living in a state where if you tipped the axis in the slightest

I’d fall

fall

fall

down

so what I mean to say is I

take comfort in safety nets

and extra time

weekends seem longer when I’m

sitting on the couch

watching shameless

why?

well, I have so much time

 

At the End Again

I’ve got 1 and a half weeks left of the semester and then I am finished with another year of school! I can’t believe I made it another year, honestly. There were times when it was a little too rough and too close for comfort but now that summer is here, I can take a break.

I get to live my wonderful life amongst the evergreens and continue doing what I love with a job that I love and that is enough for now.

I will not let anyone stop me from having an amazing summer. But I hope that he does too.

 

He can do it without me.

The phone keeps ringing

I will not answer.

Despite however many times I wake up crying because he’s not there. Despite however many times he wakes me up at 2 a.m., jolting me from my sleep, terrified. Despite the countless times I feel a pain, a hint of sadness, in his absence. These things do not remind me how much I love him, how much I miss him. They remind me how much I know he should stay gone. I do not know how long I will be afraid to hear my phone ring, but…

I will not answer.

Rainy Day

It’s raining and I can’t help but always feel excited when it rains. They always seem to be the best days.

I get so excited, I can’t help but want to tell you about it. I want to call, but know it’s best if I don’t.

I want to call, but then I think about the reality of what will happen if I do.

I can’t deny that I miss you. After crying about it for the past few days, I think it’s safe to say I am not over you, yet. But, it’ll just take some more time. I don’t know what to say or who to talk to because I feel the raincloud in my head get heavy with water and it wants to have some relief, but nothing happens. The only person I can think about talking to is you… about you… and how is that ever going to work?

We never do.

Lonely

“I am not alone because I feel alone.

I am not alone because I feel alone.

I am not alone because I feel alone

with company”

If you haven’t already figured it out, I’ve been feeling lonely lately and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’ve been so anxious lately and I don’t want to bug anyone, but I feel uncomfortable alone. I just want someone to hold me and comfort me without asking questions or worrying about me. I just want someone to be there. I just don’t want to have to deal with the pity and this is giving more trouble than I need. I don’t want to be the manic pixie dream girl to other people’s stories and I don’t want to be the fault of someone’s broken heart.

I just want to feel something

real.