“If you love me let me go…” One of the most cheesiest, stupidest things I’ve ever heard that couldn’t be more relevant. And the story goes…
the boy is persistent, the girl doesn’t fuck with assholes who think they’re the shit, the boy continues to chase after the girl he claims to “know”, she continues to believe the boy is no good, the boy and girl become friends because they both go through drastic “hard times” and they think the only people who understand is the other person, all the while he falls in love with her knowing she is dangerous and she continues to listen the sweet nothings he whispered in her ear because she just wanted someone to listen. Fast forward 5 years and they go back and forth between helping each other and tearing each other down, a complete emotionally unstable tragedy. He loves her so much, she loves him so little. He decides he can’t take the pain she causes, so she has to leave. He decides that they’d be better off if they end it and move on, grow. She was surprisingly heartbroken and it took her a while to understand that she could no longer pick up the phone and call him because it only caused him more pain, she could no longer text him or leave him any hidden messages. The agreement they made a couple months ago was that they weren’t allowed to contact each other, not through text or call or poetry or social medias. She promised herself she’d be strong this time. This time, she would resist the urge to want him when she didn’t need him. They were quitting each other cold turkey, like they were each others drug, one loved the other too much and the other not enough but he was the only thing she knew. He wanted more from her and she couldn’t bear to get too close. So they became friends and remained just that for months, years…best friends even, they lit each others matches and burned out and that’s where it ends.
Until he breaks the rules and decides to call her 2 months later…
It was only a couple of months ago when I let go of some of the things that were holding me back, when I shed my skin and attempted to start anew, when I started to see light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve been holding my breath in for about 7 years. I thought that I finally let go of my little rain cloud. I thought I saw and felt the sun on my skin for the first time in a long time and I was actually kind of hopeful. I was quite surprised to think that things might actually be looking up instead of being a slow cruise through life. Then it hit me. It was only a moment, only a temporary high, only one cloud moving fast enough to let the sun shine through, and it wasn’t long that the other clouds caught up to hide the sun. It’s alright I guess, I didn’t really like the sun anyway…
Here’s to all the binge watchers, the couch lovers, the “I’m gonna stay in bed all day-ers”, the “I’m in a committed relationship with netflix-ers”, I completely understand. I been binge watching horror and thriller films and some shows for the past couple days now, that it’s a little difficult to remember what the sunlight looks like. A few of my recommendations are things like, Shameless (which is an absolutely hilariously awesome show that isn’t suitable for the younger ones), The Killing (a great crime show), American Horror Story, Slasher. Then movies like the Chucky and Child’s Play series, suspenseful films like The Perfect Host, Creep, Would You Rather, Curve. I think if your into suspense films, these are all great and I hope you guys like them, if not let me know why. Of course, these aren’t for everyone, some of them are stupid and I don’t know why I continue to watch. If you have any recommendations of your own let me know in the comments.
Lately, I have been having problems with my self image. I have been struggling with my disordered eating for a while now and I can tell it is becoming a bigger problem and I can see others have been noticing too. It is only now that I am seeing that it is a problem. It is only now that I am not afraid to admit that I have a problem with food. I am afraid… of food. To some, this sounds ridiculous, but for many, this is a serious and difficult issue that many people are struggling with, just like I am.
Lately, I have been feeling unattractive, disgusted with myself and the way I look. I have been afraid to eat certain things or when I do eat those things I continuously feel guilty and afraid of the consequences, which then leads back to my warped and negative body image issues. I know that I have to think differently in order to feel differently, and all though I have been feeling better about a lot of things lately, my relationship with food has been a really hard battle to get through. I have been trying, I really have, but it’s not that simple. Whether you are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating (there is a difference and if you want me to talk about that, please, let me know) and you can relate to these difficulties, we have to know that there is something better for us out there, there are ways to get help and feel better, and although I’m not completely ready to talk about it yet, there is a want and a need for me to feel happy and this is one thing that is stopping me. I also know that there will be a day where I am NOT afraid, you will have one too. I seriously wish you all the best and happiness because you deserve it, we ALL deserve it.
Today I will hop on a plane and embark on a journey of an entire day spent in an airport. I will eat overpriced food, spend way too much time in a line for the restroom, have to take my shoes off and on and off and on, again, way too many times. I will walk the back and forth through the 2 entire airports because of all the time I have to kill, but then I will end up in the warmth that comes with spring, out in the dark night that is lit up by nothing but street lights.
When I get back to California…
I keep thinking to myself that it’ll be different this time. Now that I don’t have anything to be sad about or anyone to be sad over. Maybe I will just enjoy it this time…
It has been exactly one month, today on March, 7th 2018, that I have officially let go of someone. This time I have absolutely no intent on going back to this person, and by this I mean I don’t want to fall back into feeling the need that this person is an absolute necessity in my life. That is not to say that having someone like this is a problem or that you shouldn’t or can’t have someone like this, but for me, that relationship was doing us both more harm than good. About 2 weeks ago, I purchased Rupi Kaur’s book, and although I already read most of her stuff, I wanted a physical copy to be able to read, to cry on, to hold on to. Anyway, when I read this, I could feel it. Today, I felt an ache that for so long I’d been suppressing because I didn’t care about my actions, because I didn’t care at all… For so long, I had been living a dangerous life and when I finally began to understand that where you are in life isn’t permanent, and began to move on and understand how change is inevitable and you simply must embrace it, I began to understand the choices I made to get here, this spot in the middle of nowhere on a blue couch, staring out a window watching as the evergreens sway, with some type of nostalgia, remembering what it was like being with this person and then remembering how I feel now that I’m not. For this, bird, I am sorry. I am sorry that it took me so long to realize that I was hurting you like this, mostly on purpose and I think I knew that I was doing it too, I just didn’t want to admit it, and neither did you, but you still loved me anyway… That was it, you still loved me anyway. Rupi Kaur is such an amazing writer. So here is the poem that I read today. I was doing better and then I got here…
but you don’t stay long
why do you do that
why do you
abandon the thing you want to keep
why do you linger
in a place you do not want to stay
why do you think it’s okay to do both
go and return all at once
I’ve been thinking about you these last couple days. Except, now, when I think of you it, it isn’t sad, it isn’t lonely, it isn’t hurt, it’s just you. I think of you and I wish you the very best, little bird. You were always telling me how I needed to find my wings so that I could learn to fly, but I think it was always you that was lost. You needed to find where you were going even though I knew you were trying. I am too. So, wherever you are, just know that I’m in search for my wings too and maybe we’ll meet again someday, maybe we won’t. I used to think that I needed that in order to keep going, but now I’ve learned that I don’t. I don’t need you. I don’t need you. That’s another reason why I had to leave. If I stayed, you would never see that you were putting me on too high of a pedestal, sometimes I thought you were waiting for me to fall. Instead of falling, I jumped.
Fly away, birdy. I don’t think I’ll ever see you, but know that sometimes… I think of you.
I wanted just to kiss you
But now I can’t forget you
All this shade we into
I still won’t say I miss you
But I kissed you
And now I can’t forget you
All this shit I admit to
But I won’t say I miss you
But forget you
Cause now I want to kiss you
With all the things we’ve been through
I wish you said I missed you
But I kissed you
And now I can’t pretend to
Forget that I’m the issue
I wish you were here to say that I missed you
But have you ever been so scared?
I swear I prayed you’d be here
Put my heart in a place I’ll never understand
They say I’m too young to love you
But I don’t want nobody else
Cause you are the only one
You are the only one
Who is your favorite poet? writer? inspiration?
Mine? A young, amazing, talented women… a little light lady that really knows just what to say in a way that’ll really make you feel it. Today, I watched one of her poems online and as I sat and listened to the first line, I burst into tears. With 17 powerful and meaningful words, I start to cry over something so stupid. They are just words. However, these words remind me of where I’ve been and where I am headed. I think it’s looking up.
“I am feeling better. So I say good morning and mean it… and that’s a big deal.”
I walked outside the main building of my school and couldn’t see anything.
I couldn’t see anything or anyone but the slight glow of the old fashioned lamp posts, but even then it was dark. There’s something very magical to the eerie feeling of witnessing fog for the first time. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t expect the feeling you get when your walking home, alone and you couldn’t see anything in front of you except your own body. Even then, it felt as if I wasn’t there, or my body wasn’t my own, or that I even existed all together. Its an odd, exciting feeling. Then I got to thinking how I’d gotten here in the first place, and I thank every being, every possible power that I am.