I have this friend, one of the only friends I had growing up. I met said friend in middle school and we taught each other so many new things; they probably taught me more than I could ever teach them. For reasons I could never explain nor understand, I still call this person my friend and I will continue to refer to them as “friend” here due to the fact that names will not be disclosed for obvious reasons. Had it been any other person, if it was then when I was young and rebellious, I would have punched this person for being rude, sneaky, and downright dirty and I had encountered someone like that now, I would tell them off and ask why they were being such bitches then I would think twice about the punching because I know now violence should never be the answer. But, anyway, my friend… I absolutely loved and still love this friend very much because like I mentioned before, they taught me so much, we told each other almost everything, I would honestly do anything for my friend. Actually, I pretty much did. As kids, we were troubled and I thought that if I helped others maybe I could feel better about myself and my life. So, I decided to help my friend be happier too by showing them that they were loved and appreciated and honestly who wouldn’t love this person? You had to be crazy not to love someone who was so down to earth, beautiful, intelligent, and just… amazing, I mean every time you laid eyes on this person, you were in awe by how talented and gifted this person was. My friend was loved by everyone, with the exception of “two” people. I say two in quotations because one of them was themselves and the other was a kid whom my friend thought hated their guts because they never gave them the chance of day before and was bitter about it, always calling my friend names before, things like a Q.B. However, I talked to this kid and yes it was true, he was bitter about it and he didn’t like my friend, but it was never hate, and never for the reasons my friend thought. In fact, he disliked her because they “was fake” and the sad little-gifted child was an act, that she was be. I simply thought, “Well, of course, she’s sad. Who wouldn’t be in a dreadful place like this? But how was the talented goddess fake?” I slowly started to become friends with this kid and realized he wasn’t as obnoxious and disgusting as my friend made it out to be. One day when my friend was really upset with the fact that I was hanging out with this kid I asked them, “What is it about this kid that ticks you off? He isn’t even a bad kid, he’s actually really cool. Maybe if you could get to know him again, you would see that.” But they wouldn’t have it and continued to be a broody teenager.
Once middle school was coming to an end and it was coming time to enter high school, my friend and I were still emotionally torn for various reasons and it didn’t help that I was constantly bending over backward to please my friend. To be completely honest, by the time I hit 8th grade, I had given up. I had given up on the things that had once given me so much hope and joy. Compared to my friend, every time I stood next to them, I always felt like I was runner-up. This sounds silly now, but even though we took pride in being the last to be picked for anything, the bottom of the barrel if you will, she was still picked before me. This is not saying I need others to take pity on me, it is simply to tell a story. This person I had always had a crush on and knew about it, had openly chased my after my friend in front of me and my friend, I believe now out of spite, had toyed with my crush for years, for reasons, that then, I didn’t know. In band, although we were both extremely good at playing our different instruments, would receive their music before me and then rub it in my face. In P.E., which we both hated, we would unknowingly start races to see who could finish the mile the fastest, keeping in mind that we would both wear black hoodies in 115-degree weather with maybe one meal in our stomachs within possibly 3 days. It’s just little things like this that were little clues to foreshadow that, they, in fact, were playing games. The entire time we were friends they had been playing games, toying with everyone to see how far they could sneakily push others until they broke. My friend was acting what her archenemy called a “Queen Bitch”, Q.B…
And yet, I gave this person everything.
I put their life ahead of mine, their happiness, ahead of mine so many times, and for so long that even though I see it isn’t healthy, I still call them my friend. I thought maybe giving up another crush would make them happy, I now come to find that he became broken too, trying so hard to put my friend’s pieces back together and smooth out their edges. I thought giving up my leadership position for my friend would make them happy, but I just keep finding more and more reasons, times, and stories where they left me broken more times than I ever had a shot at making them happy.
My friend fed on other people’s sadness, sadness that they inflicted. It brought them good feelings to watch people slowly crumble while attempting so hard to make them happy. I will never understand why this is so, but I hope one day they find the kind of happy they need. I know I still feel sadness and anger, some sadness and anger that could have been put to rest many years ago, quite possibly had I never went through such a situation as this maybe I could be happy, maybe I could have moved on from my past. I just find it so hard to let go of someone you love so dearly, even if they hurt you so badly. If you want to see the poem that can help express my anger a little bit click on my last poem, Competitions to see who could tear me apart faster, you or me.