Exactly four weeks ago from the first of January, I had my last conversation with what used to be my best friend. It was sad… and painful… but it was something that needed to be done possibly a long time ago. We had been just shy of about 5 years into our friendship. Although we told each other everything and he was the very first person I thought of when I needed help or needed someone to talk to, or had a thought I needed to bounce off someone else and I was the same for him, he never liked the term “best friends” and didn’t warm up to the term until about a year ago. It had not always been this way, however, seeing as he loved me in ways I could never love him and I had always been one to be abrupt about certain things and sometimes he couldn’t deal with me and ultimately that’s what tore us apart.
There were many times when I told him that we couldn’t be friends because nothing good would come of it, but he was persistent, nevertheless. And many times I had told him that I couldn’t handle trying to be careful with his feelings because that wasn’t the person I was and I continuously blamed him for both our suffering. Many times I tried to let him go; we wouldn’t talk for months, but eventually he would need me or vice versa and there we were again, acting like we were the only ones who understood each other. This time however, it seemed as though I had crossed the line with my words and actions, or he had finally dealt with too much pain that he couldn’t take and told me he needed me to leave or leave him alone.
I had already moved to try and move past things I tried so hard to forget. The only thing that was keeping me there was him and for some reason I was too afraid to let go, even though I knew the only sane thing to do in order to move on from it all was to leave him too, but I couldn’t do it. Now, exactly 4 weeks later, he has called me twice and texted once, but I am determined to let him go for good so I haven’t replied, but I will forever remember our relationship. However, I wonder how long it will take for me to completely move on from someone I shared many difficult years with, someone who has helped me grow into the strong person I feel like I’ve become.
If you would like to see the conversation that helped me begin to move on and shattered my heart into a million pieces, go read my poem, “The Everlasting”. Please comment how it made or would make you feel if those were the words a loved one said to you.