I felt that.

It has been exactly one month, today on March, 7th 2018, that I have officially let go of someone. This time I have absolutely no intent on going back to this person, and by this I mean I don’t want to fall back into feeling the need that this person is an absolute necessity in my life. That is not to say that having someone like this is a problem or that you shouldn’t or can’t have someone like this, but for me, that relationship was doing us both more harm than good. About 2 weeks ago, I purchased Rupi Kaur’s book, and although I already read most of her stuff, I wanted a physical copy to be able to read, to cry on, to hold on to. Anyway, when I read this, I could feel it. Today, I felt an ache that for so long I’d been suppressing because I didn’t care about my actions, because I didn’t care at all… For so long, I had been living a dangerous life and when I finally began to understand that where you are in life isn’t permanent, and began to move on and understand how change is inevitable and you simply must embrace it, I began to understand the choices I made to get here, this spot in the middle of nowhere on a blue couch, staring out a window watching as the evergreens sway, with some type of nostalgia, remembering what it was like being with this person and then remembering how I feel now that I’m not. For this, bird, I am sorry. I am sorry that it took me so long to realize that I was hurting you like this, mostly on purpose and I think I knew that I was doing it too, I just didn’t want to admit it, and neither did you, but you still loved me anyway… That was it, you still loved me anyway. Rupi Kaur is such an amazing writer. So here is the poem that I read today. I was doing better and then I got here…

you leave

but you don’t stay long

why do you do that

why do you

abandon the thing you want to keep

why do you linger

in a place you do not want to stay

why do you think it’s okay to do both

go and return all at once

-rupi kaur

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