For the past couple of months, I have been having trouble sleeping. By this I mean, I lay in bed for who knows how long and can’t get to sleep, when I finally do get to sleep I always seem to wake up in the middle of the night for random reasons and the cycle continues. On the occasion that I do go to bed fine or maybe I’ve been doing something distracting so by the time that I do get to sleep I’m super tired, I’ve been having these dreams and they tend to be about the same topic. A “friend who’s not my friend” or “somebody that I used to know”.
In these dreams (or maybe they might be considered nightmares), I feel this unbearable pain. In a few of the dreams, I remember having conversations with friends and they seem to be talking about this particular person and it seems to be the reason I’m crying. Sometimes, I am confronting this person and telling them everything that I’d been meaning to and there’s always this uncontrollable set of tears that are endlessly streaming down my face, however, now in my real life, we are strangers. Some nights, when I have these dreams I seem to be in between awake and asleep and I can feel myself stirring and crying, but I’m so enthralled in the dream that I will myself to stay in the dream for as long as possible, until I finally sit up, fully awake, having to dry my tears.
Last night I had one of these dreams, in between awake and asleep, except this time I wasn’t talking to them and I never saw their face. Instead, I was sitting at a table, in a white room, with people I apparently knew and was balling my eyes out. I felt like I just had a great loss and it hurts so bad my entire body ached with sadness. It seemed to me that everyone else at the table was sad but for their own reasons and when they asked why I had been crying uncontrollably, they didn’t know and I was too sad to even speak. It felt like I had been crying for hours until somebody mentioned that maybe it was because of this one person and that’s when I stopped crying, shook my head, laughed a little and kinda started to feel a little better. Just when I tried to raise my head, the pain shot through my body and I just… kept… crying. I kept at it, even though I knew in my soul it had nothing to do with this person, but even I still couldn’t figure out the reason behind my sobbing. This continued until I had been shaking so bad I fell off my chair and landed on the floor and that’s when the table disappeared. The tables, the chairs, the people with undistinguishable or recognizable faces had vanished and there I lay still, wet-faced, alone, in a ball in the middle of a white room.
Then, I woke up having to wipe the tears from my eyes.